Riskers Rudeboys 6 vs 2 Ayton Alligators

A Game of Two Half’s!!!

Riskers Rudeboys 6 vs 2 Ayton Alligators - match report photo

Finally the Alligators received word that there would be a soccer experience in the form of a league encounter with hated rivals Riskers Rudeboys FC.

The Gatorade@Wilsons Lane Stadium was unavailable due to a groundsmans pay strike as Paul Coole and Phil Rhodes staged a sit in on the centre spot which started back on Jan 4th. The pair are still there to this day having spent several nights with nothing between them but the stars and the cool Ayton air. No end to the strike is said to be near… Ayton reporter Gail Hailtorm said “Coolie is sick of the pay conditions at the club and Rhodesy just does what Coolie says, they both hope this will get them on tele really”

Jake Smart (Left) took his place between the sticks as the Ayton outfit found themselves left in the shitter as team ginger balls – Alex Glass decided he was too poorly to attend. Eric Pickard also returned from injury as Ayton boasted a foursome even more exciting than Neil Fraser’s Xmas after party involving him, a police hat, a truncheon and 3 tramps who would do anything for a lick of his curly wurly!

(Pic right clearly shows revellers involved in said orgy)

Up stepped Eric Pickard and Sam Wallace who led the line with wingers Jamie Tyler – who has been in impressive form of late, alongside Dan Bywater. This front line sent shivers down the Riskers spine as whistle lord Darius Bradley blew to start proceedings at a blustery Olivers Mountain.

It has been a good 4 months since the partnership of Fraser and Holden has been seen in the golden shiny Gators strip and the two centre halves looked like they had never been away as they dominated they’re Rudeboys counterparts from the off.

The Gators have trained harder than Alex Reid sparing on Jordans melons as team Gaffer Jose Pluminho had the boys in training sometimes 3 times a week to work on fitness and throw ins. This routine was followed by most squad members although Pickard followed his agent’s advice and ducked out to spend more time making his way through the new Pizza hut menu at his own leisurely pace.

Tempers began to fray early doors as Delve on the Riskers side gyrated and let rip at his team mates for “being retards” and “being idiots” as throw after throw blew back over the touchline and our Freddie was not even involved!

Tyler pulled off trickery Paul Daniels would have been proud of as he ed his middle finger up the full backs bottom and violated him in all kinds of ways. Bywater was also having similar joy down the right as his small speedy hamster like features scuttled down the wing as he attempted to break the deadlock.

The Gator’s backline were for the first time this season actually a line! Smart was doing a job in net and the midfield filled gaps, blocked passes and created chances of their own. Hick burst clear on 15 minutes with a spurt of raw pace and power as a match steward casually walked behind the Rudeboys goal with his Superdrug shopping bag.  Unknowingly to him a small tear in the bag became a big one and out dropped a Just for Men “Brown wet look” hair dye and it rolled in to the box. Hick whilst running at full pace caught a glimpse of the dye as it blew in the wind and just as he bent to pick it up and answer all his prayers he was assaulted from behind by a Rudeboy opponent. Hick had won a penno, and increased his chances with the ladies twofold. What a stroke of luck!

Jamie Tyler stepped up, took a deep breath and planted his penno to the keepers right giving him no chance. The Gator’s had taken a shock lead and Tyler was the man of the moment.

The first half was tenser than a Rob Ascough’s gun show as the Gators stood firm with a determined workmanlike defensive display.

Chances fell to Pickard and Wallace as they spurned the opportunity to give the Ayton boys a bigger lead. Wallace found himself in the clear only for a touch bigger than Gary Glitter visiting his local children’s ward!

Pickard wasn’t fair behind in the lets make a fool of myself stakes as he motored through one on one with the keeper. Nobody could get anywhere near his gazelle like pace and athletic frame as he approached the 18 yard zone only to attempt a poor dinked effort which sailed wide to the laughter of the Riskers fans and chants of “you shit b*stard”.

The Gators had produced the best first half display against a team top of the league ladder and pushing for promotion, it was truly sensational stuff with Holden and Fraser looking like Vidic and Rio after their Xmas Turkey and anal festivities respectively.

Half Time

Ayton Alligators (1) v (Neil) Riskers Rudeboys

Pluminho was thrilled in the dug out as he delivered a positive half time talk to his players which centred on keeping concentration, keeping the ball, work hard etc etc. Everyone was engrossed to Pluminho’s every word as they sensed the biggest victory of their season when suddenly a large burp came from behind Pluminho. Pickard had demolished his half time two litre bottle of Lilt, he was ready for action and the Gators followed and lined up for the second period.

The game turned as if someone flicked a switch as all the hard work of the previous 45 minutes was undone in seconds. A long punt from Riskers made its way to the previously rock like Fraser. Fraser swung a boot only to miss terribly and send Delve clear 1v1 with Smart. Smart squeeled and ran sideways away from his opponent in fear of being hurt, as Delve finished, levelling the game. It had all gone wrong after a great start.

It sadly got worse as on 47 minutes Jamie Tyler sliced the ball back towards Holden, who like Fraser before misjudged the ball giving a Rudeboy the chance to run through to double the score and create heartache amongst the Gators camp. The centre half’s were now more like Bramble and Boumsong and not Vidic and Rio! What a difference a mistake made as Riskers quickly smashed in another quick fire double to take them 4-1 clear after only 11 minutes of the second half!!

Jake Smart made a name for himself as Holden scythed down a Rudeboy in the penno zone. Smart stood firm and made a routine catch which gave Smart an erection, which rumour has it lasted until the following Tuesday when it was spotted at 3rd team college netball practice, the boy done good!

Ayton had a couple of chances of their own as Bywater wriggled his way through the defence after a miss hit from Plumpton that fell expertly in to his path. Frederiksen came in to play for Wallace who had taken one in the naddleberrys. It didn’t take long for the burly winger to get in to the game as he was sent free down the left and burst in to the Riskers box like a white Drogba. It was real hero time for Freddie as he looked to make a name for himself after a stop start season due to injury and alcohol abuse. Freddie ignored several Gators and went for glory. Sadly the only glory Frederiksen will be getting is the morning variety as the Riskers stopper held firm and Pickard and Plumpton waved their fist in Freddies direction.

Riskers went further clear when the expert goalkeeping angles of Smart somehow left him looking like a real plonker as he yelled “wide” only for the ball to sail in to his far corner. Crys of “Stop being a berk” were heard from the terraces aimed in Smart’s direction.

Ayton were not done and a decent forward display by the team and most notably Bywater was finished off by the later after some good work by Plumpton in the middle. The pint sized midfield general skipped passed a couple of despairing challenges and clipped in a ball to Bywater (Although Freddie claims to have touched it) Bywater finished with aplomb and took a well taken goal away as a trophy for his performance.

On 84 minutes Riskers punished the Gators back 4 again as Delve somehow made up 15 yards on Atkinson in the sprint and finished past Smart to make it half a dozen for his team and good night Vienna for the Gators. Atkinson later said of the goal, “I just don’t like bigger scarier boys, they make me feel sick and I just don’t want to play any more”.

With the game almost up a riled Frederiksen became the victim of a horrific attack from Lumbis in the opposition half. Lumbis had been at it all game, nipping, scratching and in this case delivering a wedgie to our beloved Fred and Fred had just had enough! In a flash all hell broke loose as screams of “FREEEEDOOM” were heard as Fred grappled wildly on the deck with the buck toothed Lumbis. A mass brawl ensued with the Ref threatening to dismiss 4 players! Lumbis came out a bloody mess as Freddo had delivered his special finishing move; The Flying Fist of Fred.

(Below; Freddie with weapons that once killed a man)

It was fight over and game over for another Saturday but by gum it didn’t half feel good to play after two months out!

Next week sees the Gators travel to division two title favs Ryedale for a Cup battle. Can they perform a miracle and pull off the biggest upset of all time? Will Freddie knock out anyone this sat? And who really is the father of baby Jack on Cornonation Street? Only time will tell….

The Jon Hick Man of the Match award goes to Danny Bywater for notching a great goal and an all round top performance for the Gators.