Arch V Leam Lane Wmc ( North West Durham Quarter Final)

Oxhill Central v Leam Lane (NWD Cup ¼ final)

Not on the metal

The draw for the North West Durham Cup had us with a home fixture against Leam Lane (Lean Lane if you listen to Cat Meat) from the Gateshead Premier League. The main question on everyone’s lips was what ever happened to Jam? He turned up when we went to Crawcrook in the last round and has never been seen again. Thankfully Dollar Tez broke into Pee’s garage during the week so he could rescue our strips. Dollar Tez and Joe Gill is brill were also on hand with a Stihl Saw and a spot welder to fix our stupid wonky goal frame. For once things were going to plan and all we had to worry about was would Kei turn up after been spotted disco dancing in The Clock at 2am. One of the Leam Lane players walked all the way up The Moor bank in his football boots to buy 8 cans of LCL so they were clearly up for the fight and going to make a day of it. JP gave his team talk and announced that ‘everyone needs to be on there metal’. Nobody quite knew what he was on about and nobody knew how Gav managed to wear a pair of football shorts with only one leg. Gav wasn’t bothered by any of this as he ate 2 tubs of Pringle’s and Pee wore his dog walking Wellington Boots again. The game kicked off and we went a goal down to Leam Lane who were wearing a replica Argentina strip and news started to filter through to us that Shola the engine the worlds hardest lad had been filled in last night up the caravan club at Amble by eight 12-year-old boys and somehow Elvis lost his grandson Charlie in the school car park. Mackem Metty caused mayhem throwing the ball at a Leam Lane player and Stonka Brown said Duffy the milk drinker had silly hair. Half time and disappointingly we were 3.0 down. At 11.18am substitute #WorstBoakes said he would go on and score a hattrick and get us back into the game. 11.22am #WorstBoakes entered the pitch, the saviour of the Arch in the cup. 12.08pm the referee blew for full time and we had been tonked 10.0. We lacked any kind of shape, commitment, fight or leadership all over the park. Next week me and Dollar Tez are going to spend Sunday in the Jehovah Witness Church up the road, it looks more fun and the birds are fit.

Some of the above are true made up stories.

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Regards

Singe

www.singevert.vpweb.co.uk