Match Report - LANCHESTER C.C - 6 Jan 2019

Lanchester CC v Oxhill Central (league)

New Year new rubbish

After a lengthy brake from football due to Christmas and a match postponement due to imaginary none existent snow we were back in action against bottom of the table side Lanchester in the league. The Stanley Ranger missed the game as he flew to Dallas for 3 hours and Joe Gill has dyed his hair grey, blond and brown. Has there ever been an Arch lad change so much over the course of a season as much as Joe? He’s now some sort of love-sick teenager who does nothing other than call his lass BAE and talk about having cuddles and DVD nights on social media. Talking of Joe’s, Joe Palmer the celebrity fan has vanished off the face of the earth and joins Calvert one touch in the list of ‘people that I used to know’. In fact, I’d like to place it on record that Grace Palmer is actually the best Palmer! Gav Turned up eating a family sized bag of Flaming Hot Rings and The Mad Monk turned up looking like he’s been sleeping rough behind the Empire and randomly came out with the classic comment of ‘my cat would bray all the dogs that live in Lanchester’. There were no shows from Fisha (at a rave in a field), Greener (body building in Newport) and Matty (now too good to play for us now that he back to getting £1000 a game in The Northern League). Our referee was late getting to the game, he said there were monumental traffic jams getting from Consett to Lanchester, so we had an extended warm up where the Monk had to have 3 rests. Little Luke asked if Benjamin Button was on the new 50p coin and he thought he played for Lanchester. Weirdly Liam Stone Island Graham our former player came to watch the match after vanishing off the face of the earth in 2016, he told me that Lanchester’s keeper eats nothing but Pot Noodles. JP got his new Arch jacket and found out that if you pull the zip up and down it makes a nice noise, so he did this for an hour. In the first half we had 400 shots at goal but only scored 2, Gav lost his boot in the clarts and Liam Jägermeister won a tackle and a header. Elvis then told us all that The Duffy twins would rather go and watch the wee club from the East of Stanley in the County Cup because The Arch are rubbish. And rubbish we where as Lanchester went 3.2 up, The Mad Monk threw the ball at an opponent and got another pointless yellow card for descent. We have had 22 yellow cards and 3 red cards in 15 games this season! Ex Manager Jeff went and sat in the car to keep out the way as Pee got very angry and shouted a lot. Me on the other hand I quietly sneaked off home to get changed as I’d been invited out to a social gathering at The Pavilion for Shola the engine’s birthday. I eventually got a text message saying we lost 4.3 and we were rubbish…….Happy New Year!

Some of the above are true made up stories.

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Regards

Singe

www.singevert.vpweb.co.uk