Match Report - CONSETT TOP CLUB - 6 Sep 2020

September

Oxhill Central v The Top Club (league)

Excuses

So, after a break of almost 6 months some mixed pre-season games competitive football finally returns for The Arch. It’s the start of the 2020/2021 season and we belatedly begin with a home game against The Top Club. Since the Gateshead League folded The Consett league have accepted the entry of Whickham Bay Horse, Whickham Highwayman, Greenside and The Thomas Wilson all 4 teams come straight into the 1st Division. The acceptance of these very good sides will certainly be a challenge for what should be a competitive competition this year. Manager JP read the riot act before kick off and told people to turn up and fight for a place after some rather silly excuses lately. Joe Gill is brill said he would be missing next week as he was attending his cat’s funeral. JP said ‘fine Andy Clark is back next week. Someone then pointed out that Andy Clark the 80’s pop star was missing today because he was putting a deposit down to buy a puppy. I rest my case for the crap excuses. The biggest excuse of all time, the hands down winner will forever be Little Luke for his ‘sleeping in front of the fire and getting dehydrated’ story. He turned up today because it was raining and Dollar Tez brought him a bottle of water to doubly make sure he was okay. The squad has a couple of long time forgotten faces in the form of knee slide Azza, Fisha and Schindler. Schindler is making his return to football after retiring 3 years ago. His retirement hasn’t been overly kind to him as his head is massive and perfectly round. He said he’s been living on a diet of cold kebab meat and maple syrup sandwiches. Hec thinks this is scruffy. Azza was showing up for the first time in months and Fisha made his first appearance since last November even though he says he’s coming every week. The reason for his absence is he’s been playing Call of Duty on the Play Station with random American ‘friends’. Gav said he hadn’t been to bed since Friday and complained because he’d lost his lucky shorts. As for the football we were 1.0 down after 4 minutes then ran into a 4.1 lead. Some how the half time score was 4.4 and things got worse in the second half with a whole host of individual errors and we got bashed 7.5. Clearly not a good day or the start we were after. If Dangerous Davies and Singe had a baby it would look like an elephant. Chewy’s chancers Stanley’s best dressed man said he was going to have breaded chicken goujons from Iceland for his dinner and Nobby took his clothes off in The Arch and got the pool players to touch his biceps