Arch V Consett Scotch Arms (League)

Crown and Cannon v Oxhill Central (league)

Hawthorn Bush

We welcome another new signing to the team in the shape of Carl Greener from Annfield Plain Demi. He’s the lad who halved Liam Jägermeister when we played them in the cup back in January when Pee Dog proper kicked off and matched onto the pitch like some sort of Trojan Warrior. None of this will bother Greener as he’s so hard his tattoos even have tattoos. Also, to strengthen our squad and back from the footballing wilderness is Broccoli Head Matty and his funny clothes and Cat Meat was back from his month-long holiday in Blackpool. We currently sit 2nd bottom of the table and need to kick start our season, would today be the day as we travelled to Blaydon to face the Crown and Cannon on Remembrance Sunday. Our kits had some nice 100th anniversary poppy stickers freshly applied, and Pee Davison and celebrity fan Joe Palmer dished out bags of Sports Mixtures and Mow Mow chews on the side lines, so we were good to go. The game kicked off and Bott fell into a Hawthorn bush trying to retrieve a stray ball and came out looking like he’d been the victim of the Chopwell Tiger. Andy Clark the 80’s pop star wearing his brand new £250 football boots came off with a drink related injury and JP got chased by a dog, Liam Jägermeister tried to steal the dog. Sensible Cap Josh proclaimed that his hypothesis on apprehensive celebration leads to disappointment when we wasted a few goal mouth chances. He’s joining  the Army on Monday a brand-new chapter in his life and all of us at The Arch wish him good luck. As for the football we won and entertaining game 2.1 with a brace from Fisha. The day then got worse for Andy Clark as Little Luke hid all his clothes and put a mouldy brown banana skin in his shoe. Luke was going to hide Carter’s clothes but then thought better of it as Carter is hard. Next week Carter is going to announce the name of his goldfish. At the club Dirty Dan said he would be able to fix Shola the engine’s car from the burnt-out wreckage that’s still lying in the car park and Joe Palmers moustache is horrific he looks like Erol Flynn’s love child. And a big thank you to Shola the engine for washing the other week (well it may have been Casey Napper Boakes and Tanya Lasagne who actually did all the hard work) and Elvis who did them this week.

Some of the above are true made up stories.

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Regards

Singe

www.singevert.vpweb.co.uk