Battered Alexandra

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">This week's oppo regularly play on a Saturday which explains why they perhaps aren't used to the Thurs eve kick off and arrived late. Their kit man arrived even later, so they were forced to play in the change strip of "whatever the hell we're wearing now".

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">which left a lineup of Tys in goal, Charlie, Andy, Qualter, Tommy Dazzler, midfield of Dave Dazzler, Intertoto, Jordan Zola, Hoff Jnr, with Latch and Illy up front, and Doggie Dundee patrolling the touchline.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">Being a "proper" team, Battersea Alexandra do a big ol' team talk before hand and probably have "positions" and "tactics" and whiteboards and the like. For the first 5 minutes they seemed the goods, and were keen and fired up and all that sort of jazz, but then we scored...and they pretty much gave up after that. Plus their defence didn't place a lot of emphasis on marking.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">A peach of a left-foot cross from Intertoto on the right wing (why was this guy on the right wing?? Why is he *always* out of position?!?) found Illy unmarked at the back post to nod past the keeper.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">Another peach of a through ball from Intertoto (finally back in the middle where he belongs) put Hoff Jnr through one on one, but the keeper, replete in a pink Dulwich Hamlet FC-esque outfit, made a great save.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">Tommy Dazzler thought anything Intertoto can do, I can do better, and lifted a peachy-delicious through ball for Zola to run onto and lob the pinko keeper. Why are such things “peachy” and not “nectariney” or “peary” or “appley” or…

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">2-0, where are your "tactics" now eh? BA harried a bit more, and scrambled a corner that wasn't cleared properly, before a snatched shot from the edge of box ricocheted off a few players, the last touch from Jackson Flash taking it into the corner past a stranded Tys. Cracking finish from the flash defender, and he's proud to claim it; "a stat's a stat".

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">2-1 at HT, and BA went over for a team huddle, not realising it isn't Saturday, there are no oranges, there are no points up for grabs, "tactics" won't get you very far, there's no 15 minute break, actually-could-you-come-back-on-and-play-again-quickly-please-because-we-get-kicked-off-at-8pm-kthxbye.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">More fired up for the second half, they put us under pressure for the first 5 or 10 again, but the defence held firm and they didn't seriously threaten to level things up. A lovely break from defence carved them up and restored the two-goal cushion. A Doggie Dundee interception, to Intertoto, out wide to Hoff Jnr, to Latch, to Zola, who ran at them and then laid it off to Illy who swept it first time into the far corner WITH HIS RIGHT BOOT.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">They went to pieces after that, an unmarked Latch headed goalward before Dave Dazzler nicked it right on the line, stealing Latch’s stat. It’s only what Latch did to Jordan last week, so fair’s fair. Latch finally put the icing on the cake, planting a header home from an Illy corner (we have got to get that guy off corners). 5-1, easy winners, can we play you every week, etc etc.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">Obvs the biggest Man of the Match contender is Illy – scored two, assisted one and had a great game. But, he did have a shot from 15 yards inside his own half, and considering some players sit on the bench and spend all their in the backline not having much fun, that sort of behaviour is unacceptable and rules him ineligible. In true olympic spirit someone must win it, resulting in Jordan Zola Stephen Bradburying the MOTM award with another dynamic display.

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', NotoColorEmoji, 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Android Emoji', EmojiSymbols; font-size: 16px;">PubSquad (Intertoto, Jackson Flash, Charlie George, Doggie Dundee, Qualter, Latch, Tommy Dazzler, Ed a late addition to the team, Hoff Jnr a late withdrawal as he had to go home and cook a crumble. Apparently this is not a euphemism), was dominated by Olympic chat, and discussion of the handicapped good-looking Olympics. No, not in that way, the sports are handicapped beforehand, and then reality is pitted against expectations. Y’know, clearly beach volleyball is high up the ladder pre-Games, but perhaps they aren't as attractive as expected. So far hockey is the prime contender for winning the handicapped good looking olympics.

Battered Alexandra

Are you looking for something? Search the TeamStats directory...