Match Report - TEA AND BUSQUETS - 22 Mar 2017

Some of you out there may have several questions for us, such as "why has it taken you so long to write the match report?", "why did you play Tea and Busquets again?" and "why don't you know the score?". Well all of those questions have the same answer. It's taken us a week and a day to count all the goals and question the Soccer Gods, and we couldn't count how many the opposition scored so the conclusion we've come to is that we won 3-0.

"And why don't you know?" I hear some of our more cynical fanbase (Gemma Bariani) yell from the rafters. Well that's because most of the match was played underwater thanks to the Soccer Gods. The rain started a couple of hours before kick off and by the time we were underway it was ankle-deep.

At half-time, a biblical-scale wave swept across the pitch, causing mass confusion. By the time the wave subsided, Niall Nagar was somehow between the posts and Jake Hawkyard was turning geezers for days upfield.

Our filming equipment wasn't able to capture any goals at the other end of the field, so there mustn't have been any, however it was more than capable of recording the three goals fired past the Tea and Busquets keeper. Harry Van Der Hoek set up two Harri Saunders goals, whilst James Sproston set up HVDH for the third.

We got a lift back from Noah who was sailing back Jesmond-way and renounced our sins, such as kicking the ball above head height and entering the sacred three-yard box, in front of the Soccer Gods. We've also given you a sneak peak of the BJFC changing rooms after the match, as Jake teases the fans with a topless pic. Classic Hawkyard. What a day to be a BJFC fan.